


100 Things Kagari May No Longer Do

by AngryCakeChids



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour, Mentions of other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 08:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6415885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngryCakeChids/pseuds/AngryCakeChids
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kagari got into a lot of shenanigans as his time as an Enforcer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	100 Things Kagari May No Longer Do

**_Here is the grand list of things that I, Kagari Shuusei, am no longer allowed to do._ **

  1. I will not swap everyone's work stations around in the middle of the night so they come in confused as to why their reports are all screwed up.
  2. I will also not write all my reports in Wingdings.
  3. I will not forget that Ginoza has a Dominator which could easily paralyse me.
  4. I will not forget that Akane has a Dominator which could easily paralyse me.
  5. I will not engage the Enforcers in unnecessary fighting that leads to broken bones. (My broken bones.)
  6. My reports must never be written in Comic Sans, either.
  7. Addition to 2 and 6 – Papyrus is also not recommended.
  8. I’m not allowed to compare Ginoza to his cactus, even if they are both pricks. [Refer to number 3]
  9. I will not order the enforcers fur suits complete with leashes.
  10. I will not question what Shion wants with said leashes.
  11. I can’t ask Kunizuka either, unless I want to get punched.
  12. I will not throw jelly beans at Mr. Ginoza. [Refer to number 3]
  13. I am totally forbidden from leaving porn in Mr. Ginoza’s desk.
  14. I must also not say said porn is from Masaoka. That was a **mistake**.
  15. I must also stop using my Photoshop skills to put Kougami onto said porn. [Refer to 5]
  16. The same applies for Akane [Refer to 3, 4 and 5]
  17. I will not refer to Kunizuka as adorable, ever again, or I really will get punched.
  18. I will not try to get Akane drunk and get myself wasted in the process.
  19. Furthermore, I cannot upload footage of deed attempted in 16 onto YouTube.
  20. I may not go lurking in Shion’s lab, no matter how dark and mysterious and cool it seems down there. It’s hardly my fault it looks like something out of a video game!
  21. I cannot ask Kougami if he’s feeling ‘ruff’, especially when he’s had a long hard day at work. Honestly, he’s all bark and no bite.
  22. Addition to Rule 19: I cannot say Kougami is all bark and no bite.
  23. Not allowed to drink coffee. Only decaf, or hot chocolate.
  24. I can’t give coffee to Kougami, Sasayama or Ginoza [death wish for Gino].
  25. Not allowed to give all three of them coffee, shout “FIRE IN THE HOLE” and hide in the corner so I can watch the destructive mayhem.
  26. Despite being responsible for the Helmet Riots, Makishima is not Tony Stark any more than Choe Gu-Sung will answer to “Jarvis”.
  27. Makishima is not Tony Stark even if I get Choe Gu-Sung to answer to “Jarvis”.
  28. I am not Indiana Jones. Neither is Kougami.
  29. I cannot use my hair grips as lock-pickers to pick the locks for the drawers in Ginoza’s desk.
  30. I must also not take advantage of the fact I can open Ginoza’s private drawers and put porn in there. Saying it’s from Masaoka. With Akane and Kougami photoshopped on it.
  31. I am just not allowed to pick locks, PERIOD, since it probably doesn’t do my hue any favours. But I don’t really care about that. But I’m still not allowed pick locks.
  32. I cannot use holotechnology to hide my rude gestures from Gino.
  33. I cannot use holotechnology to make my rude gestures large and apparent to Gino.
  34. I must not use rude gestures unless it is totally socially acceptable, for example, not with Gino, or Akane, or Kougami.
  35. Not allowed to hum the Death Star theme whenever Makishima appears.
  36. This applies to Ginoza when he’s angry [refer to 3]
  37. Also Chief Kasei.
  38. The films lied to me – the medium of song is not a good way to resolve issues. Especially if Gino’s pissed.
  39. There is no appropriate time or place to burst into song. I can only sing at parties or karaoke.
  40. Singing "Let it Go" obnoxiously is never a good thing.
  41. Especially when Kougami's been shot 3 times and Akane’s in a shock blanket.
  42. I cannot pelt anyone with jellybeans, primarily Ginoza and Kunizuka.
  43. Don’t upload porn onto Shion’s computer. She has a girlfriend which she wants to keep.
  44. If I somehow accidentally wind up breaking this rule (kind of inevitable, really), then it must be relatively normal. Nothing cereal related at all.
  45. Even in the event that I break above rules, make sure it hasn't got a virus on it.
  46. In the event that I break the above TWO rules, make sure it isn't a virus that endlessly spams Nicholas Cage's face onto everything.
  47. May not wake up Kougami in the middle of the night pretending to be Sasayama’s ghost.
  48. May not wake up Kougami in the middle of the night pretending to be Makishima, either. This is strongly not advised. [Refer to 5]
  49. I cannot yell “Kamehamaha” whenever I use Destroy Decomposer or Lethal Eliminator.
  50. I am forbidden from making any kind of pun when we track down a criminal and use Lethal Eliminator.
  51. In the event that I should **completely on accident** break rule 48, I cannot whip out a pair of sunglasses and put them on my face, yelling “YEAHHH!”
  52. I cannot put googly eyes on the helmet in Shion’s office.
  53. I cannot decorate the Dominator in any way, shape or form, including googly eyes and glitter glue.
  54. Never, ever, steal Masaoka’s alcohol and use it for the purposes of 16. Or in general.
  55. I cannot give Sasayama spicy snacks whilst he’s smoking. Involuntary firebreathing is never funny.
  56. I must not weaponise the effects of 53 or 55.
  57. Not allowed to romantically pair Masaoka off with anyone except his wife. For once, I agree. That’s just weird.
  58. May not mention Rina around Yayoi, unless I want to get duffed up by a Dominator.
  59. Cannot mention Rina around Yayoi **especially** when Shion is around.
  60. I may not pretend to be a mindless zombie if I ever got shot with a Non-Lethal Paralyser. Usually it winds up with me being shot for a second time.
  61. Not allowed to promote Saiga as being a mind reader, especially if this promotion is on the Internet and Saiga wakes up to a crowd of news reporters.
  62. I cannot sing “Actual Cannibal Shia LaBoeuf” whenever Toyohisa Senguji appears on screen. I bet he is, though. His eyes can see right through you.
  63. Must not ask Chief Kasei for free rides in her limo, even if I have never been in one.
  64. Humming “Trigger Finger” is a bad idea, since I get punched by both Kunizuka and Sasayama.
  65. No, Masaoka doesn’t know what the “fourth wall” is, and I should quit bugging him about it.
  66. Under no circumstances do I ever, ever, borrow Kougami’s books, attempt to read them, get bored and “illustrate” them. My efforts are not appreciated. [Refer to 5]
  67. I must also not make comments in these books. My wit is also not appreciated.
  68. When gambling with other Enforcers as a recreational activity, I must not use the phrase “Hit Me” when someone’s dealing the cards. Many people are happy to oblige this request in more ways than one.
  69. Comparing Kougami to an angry porcupine is a no-go.
  70. I cannot pretend to officially “pass on a message” from Ginoza to Inspector Aoyanagi, and then loudly announce that he thinks she has nice tits. [Refer to rule 3]
  71. I cannot do the same for Akane, either. [Refer to 3 and 4]
  72. Teppei Sugo of Division 2 does not like the nickname “Sugar”.
  73. I cannot throw up after spinning on my chair. Especially if anyone is nearby. And if that anyone has just had their suit cleaned.
  74. Cannot try on Shion’s clothes and pretend to be her in an attempt to avoid doing field work because I’m lazy.
  75. Can’t borrow Kunizuka’s hair grips when I can’t find mine. I’m a big boy now, and I have to get my own.
  76. I am not allowed to throw my pokeball at Kogami and call him “Kogepi.”
  77. Above applies with Ginoza with the cry “AuGino” respectively.
  78. Must not call Akane and Gino my parents, even though they totally are.
  79. Cannot nickname the helmet riots as “Cybermen vs. Daleks” even though that is totally what it was.
  80. Yelling “GAYYY” when either Shion or Yayoi walk into the room is very ‘disrespectful’. C’mon, it’s hardly like they’re hiding anything – I hear them all the time! Through my headphones! With the volume turned up!
  81. I am not allowed to mention the last part of 80 out loud, unless I want to get punched by two angry gays.
  82. Cannot sing along to Tokyo Ghoul Root A’s final episode at three in the morning, while loudly sobbing.
  83. Cannot put Masaoka in a Darth Vader mask and go up to Gino to say "I am your father". Even if the old man is totally cool with that.
  84. Cannot steal Kougami’s hair gel.
  85. Cannot steal Sugo’s hair gel.
  86. Cannot dress Dime up in any costumes, whatsoever.
  87. I also cannot bark at Dime pretending that I’m having a conversation with him.
  88. Also not recommended that I try to speak “gangsta” with the criminal we’re chasing, since I’ll probably get punched, either by the criminal themselves, a fellow enforcer, or a present Inspector.
  89. It is urgent that I stop making sex puns with the Dominator, no matter how big the temptation is.
  90. An addition to 89 – must not flirt with the Dominator in a vain attempt to get it to shift modes faster.
  91. Singing “I’m a Barbie Girl” is also not advised when we’re talking about plastination.
  92. Especially if said plastination is Sasayama’s. [Refer to 38]
  93. No, I cannot call people on the internet with animal avatar’s “furries”. They’re not furries, they’re misunderstood.
  94. I can’t call other people weeaboos or otakus when I am one. It’s the height of hypocrisy.
  95. Tackling Yayoi at Guitar Hero is an ill-advised activity that leads to Repetitive Strain Injury for both parties.
  96. Karaoke, too, is a bad idea with Yayoi, since it leads to loss of voice the next day.
  97. I must not ask Gino how his bitch is, since I have been informed that Dime is indeed male.
  98. Put wine in pan when cooking. Never put it in your mouth.
  99. When in the field, I must stay away from playgrounds, even if my intention is to just play on the swings. According to Kougami, it looks ‘dodgy’. _Well, sorry_.
  100. I will never, ever betray my friends.
  101. I will not die.



**_SIGNED_ , SHUUSEI KAGARI, DIVISION ONE, HOUND 4, 00475-AEQY-57889-2**

**_APPROVED BY_ : KUNIZUKA YAYOI, DIVISION ONE, HOUND 2, 00475-AEST-17855-2 _AND_ GINOZA NOBUCHIKA, DIVISION ONE, SHEPHERD 1, 00475-AEAJ-39875-1.**


End file.
